Men's Edge (1,225 words)
Column Title: Sexual Health & Well-Being
Byline: Scott Hays

12 Ways Women Define 'Sex Appeal'

Women typically aren't shy about listing the physical qualities they like in a man. But be warned: firm biceps or good legs are not all they're looking for. Women are also interested in things like grooming, good hygiene, and confidence. Sincerity. Attentiveness. Some brains and the ability to control drooling help, too.

Sex appeal is an elusive quality. What one woman finds sexy may cause another to head for the exit. But what women generally find sexy has more to do with inner qualities, such as strength and integrity, than with visible characteristics. A model-handsome man with a great wardrobe and an expensive car will certainly get a woman's attention, but he's unlikely to keep her unless he brings something extra to the table.

The following is a list of qualities that most women find attractive. All are things you already possess—though you might need to take the time and effort to dust them off.

Kick Up Your Confidence. Ask 100 women what they consider sexy, and 99 of them will rank confidence at the top of the list. Don't believe those who say your have to be born with it—a lot of what we call “confidence” is really the result of merely having survived. When you reach a certain age, and have experienced more your share of flaming embarrassments, you tend to understand what works and what doesn't. Those of us without a lot of natural confidence should learn to fake it.

Stand Up For Manners. Some gentlemen may prefer blondes, but rest assured that women, whatever their hair color, prefer gentlemen. Guys today have gotten pretty casual. Women accept the reality of modern life, but that doesn't mean they like it. Want to show that you're a cut above clueless? Stand up when she approaches the table. Shave now and again. Show her that you won't be a total embarrassment when she introduces you to her friends.

Look The Part. You'd think a five o'clock shadow and dirty t-shirt might play into a woman's fantasies of a rugged bad boy, but there's a huge gap between fantasy and reality. Unless you're a 22-year-old model, don't try to look like one. Women like men who know how to dress. Sure, it's fine to dress down at home, but keep a few pairs of pressed pants around. The “natural” look, taken to extremes, isn't a turn-on for most women. The opposite: it's a sign of immaturity. You don't want to remind her of the baggy, pizza-stained garb perpetually hanging off her kid brother's ass.

Scents Sense. Cologne is risky territory. Women grow up using scents and usually have a pretty good nose for what works. Most men, on the other hand, are amateurs, apt to choose the wrong scent, or worse, pour on too much. Most women like men to smell like, well, men: clean and washed—period.

Learn To Dance. Sorry, there's no getting around it. Women know that, sadly, they're more likely to find a dancing bear than a dancing man. So while refusing to dance won't necessarily ruin your chances, it sure won't make you stand out from the pack. Most of what the dancing people do these days doesn't follow any particular step-craze, so just get comfortable with your body on the dance floor, and fake it from there. No one's expecting you to be Fred Astaire, and please, please don't pretend to be disco-era John Travolta. A little rhythm and enthusiasm will go a long way.

Act Fit. You'll notice I didn't say “be fit,” though it's obviously to your advantage if you are. Physical attributes rank pretty low on most women's must-have lists, but physical confidence ranks at the top. Women are tuned in to the way you move and carry yourself. If you slouch, chew your nails, or run your hands compulsively to your crotch, you're going to come off as insecure as you no doubt feel. Move as though you know exactly what you want. Sure, it might be a bit of an act, but that's okay. Men who look physically confident get more positive attention than those who don't.

Stay Real. The word “seduction” has a whiff of calculation about it, as though charming and bedding a woman is a game to be won. There are terms for guys who work this way: they're known as “players” or “pimps,” and women can smell them a mile away. All those sexual innuendos and pickup lines you've been practicing? Dump 'em. Even if they work, and a woman agrees to go home with you, so what? She won't be much of a catch. You'll have a notch on your bedpost, but not much else.

Throw in Some Surprises. Add an element of surprise to the evening. Think of ways to show her that you're a little different, that you like her enough to invest a little energy. Try sending roses, just because.

Like Her Before You Love Her. This one is so obvious that it shouldn't need mentioning, but apparently there are a lot of men out there who equate conquest with seduction, and rate their success in the world by the number of women they bed. Well, if you want to act like a horn-dog at full moon, go for it. Just don't be surprised when you earn a lot of thoroughly disgusted looks. Women want men to like them. It's as simple as that. When you're on a first date, concentrate on her, not her cleavage. A man who genuinely likes the woman he's with, who shows his appreciation in a dozen different ways, is going to get a lot further than the guy whose only desire is to score.

Expect Nothing. If you doubt that women have instincts as finely tuned as the Hubble space telescope, just see how long you last when you pump out nothing but pure sexual vibes. She might let you buy her a drink. She might even enjoy flirting for a while. But you can bet she won't stick around long. There's nothing wrong with showing sexual interest. Women like the flirting game—but only when there's something else behind it. Do you really expect torrid sex for the price of a measly margarita? You want the gesture to say, “Yes, I'm interested,” not “I'm waiting to pounce.” That's just downright creepy.

Follow Up. When you meet a woman for the first time, there will come the hour when you're ready for the next step. It could be backing away if you aren't (or she isn't) interested, or it could be setting up the next date. Once again, confidence goes a long way. Come right out and ask for her phone number or email address. Don't make her nervous by just hanging around and making her wonder if you like her or not.

Courtesy Counts. But don't ask for her number if you have no intention of calling. And if you're interested, be ready to end the evening on a friendly note. Sure, the attraction might be so strong that you're both eager to tumble into bed, but don't count on it—or give the impression that that's what you're waiting for. You want her to feel liked, not used. And a little anticipation isn't a bad thing.

CONTRIBUTOR BIO
As a writer specializing in men's health, Scott Hays has contributed articles to Los Angeles Magazine, Men's Fitness, Muscle & Fitness, Men's Health, and The Los Angeles Times. He is the author of Built for Sex, and the coauthor of The Action Hero Body, Lifelong Fitness, and Heart to Heart. For more information, or to read more about of Hays' intriguing musings on health, visits www.ScottHays.com.